Darthleon is excited for Ultima Lucha

Since I was a child I have been a on again-off again fan of wrestling. Well I say wrestling, what I mean I have only seen what WWE has been feeding me. Recently I have come back to it, but things are not the same as it were 2 years ago. The Reality era (or PG-13 era) is a far cry from  the Universe era. In those two years the two big belts became one, the streak died, CM Punk (my then favourite alive WWE superstar) left and HHH and Kane decided that the world of stock market is more interesting than the world where you beat people in front of a live audience. Not everything is worse of course as NXT kicks ass , Dean and Neville are a thing now and Vickie has stopped defiling the Guerrero name. Yet, with Battleground gone and with Summerslam having a negative temperature heat level at the time of writing it is perhaps time for me to mention the hypest event in wrestling at the moment : Lucha Underground's Ultima Lucha.

Firstly I would like to thank Dario Cueto for extending Ultima Lucha to two weeks. I was gonna write this article a week from now but no we  gotta have a spectacular 2 weeks event. Fucking asshole. Well the way I had this article planned was to explain what Ultima Lucha and Lucha Underground are and then go through the event's card. Sounds like a great plan, so strap in for a long article.  A long article where I will be forced to not us any acronyms cause they would be LU and UL and I will fuck up eventually.

What makes Lucha Underground so awesome? Well for starters it goes "Hey, Wrestling is fake so might as well go at 110%". The story goes as follows. Dario has found seven anchient Aztec medallions and he hired a bunch of people to fight over them . What do they do? Originally we thought that whoever owned the 7 dragonballs medallions would be given literal mortality. That was an awesome premise ; the supernatural element actually made the story more believable.However , in the last episode Mr Cueto explained what they do. The seven Chaos Emeralds medallions are part of a belt named the Gift of the Gods. The luchadors fight for ownership and once all seven lights medallions are in the belt a match for it is set with all the owners in it. The belt essentially works like the Money in the Bank contract. You can cash it in for a title shot for the Championship belt.  Unlike the MiTB thought you have to give a week's notice, you can't just cash it in whenever (Cueto explained that he likes to promote his matches and even made joke about it) and you have to defend the Gift of the Gods like a normal belt. Once the shot has been used the seven medallions are taken back and people can fight for them again. So now that the medallions are no longer magic the show is less fun right? OF COURSE FUCKING NOT! They changed the wrestling dynamic greatly with a very fun and creative way. And the medallion dynamic is still there so people will get to fight over them just as much, so everyone gets to be story important.

  But this is just one of things that make Lucha Underground. For starters ,High-flyers. I always liked  them cause they they are so cool . It's not like I dislike powerhouses. But high-flyers are so awesome. So as you can tell a roster of 90% awesome wrestling astronauts is really my cup of team. Sure there are some big guys, and to say the truth they are necessary and bring an awesome fight every time. Secondly,they embrace the fake. "Yeah darth you told us-" NO! You know how WWE on the one hand tryes to showcase nice believable normal characters that undergo personal change like every human and on the other hand it is showing us that cool Necromancer from the depths of hell who has died like 20 times and has an awkward Harley phase a while back? Well , Lucha Underground also has a Necromancer who is controlled by a magic stone and has some zombie guys as his minions, there is a guy that is a dragon, tiger people and Chavo Guerrero is a Mexican mafioso/gangster . Yeah sure it has some normal people. WHO FIGHT DRAGONS AND ZOMBIES FOR MAGIC MEDALLIONS! The setting also helps all this to be more believable. The arena is a temple, we are believers (and apparently we are allowed to partake in the rituals we see but you know, wrestling) and in the middle of the ring there is a mystical seal. Mill Muertes (the necromancer above) has , in hard matches, actually used the seal to recharge. The wrestlers themselves are of course amazing.Relentless violence and universe era WWE fans will recognise mistreated talents like Chavo Guerrero (who is also a producer of the show) , John Morrison (now Jonny Mundo) , Alberto del Rio ( now Alberto el Patron) and Ezekiel Jackson. Hernandez was apparently in WWE as well but I missed him. But the best part of Lucha Underground creative is that they treat the WHOLE roster like fighters. Luchadores and little people included. They get to fight normally for the coins, the gift of the god and the title. Because guess what, they are actual fighters, not just pretty models (thought to be fair they are pretty, even thought I am crushing over the one female who's face is hidden by a mask) and joke pets for joke tag teams. Lastly, they fucking know how to build up heat. For example, the last couple of weeks , with Ultima Lucha on the way,ALL matches where no-DQ and no Ring out. Not like fucking WWE who has lukewarm matches the fucking week of fucking Wrestlemania .

If I had to complain about something I would really have to nitpick. For example,every episode starts with our two announcers trying to explain the card while a small time band plays buttrock to a very excited crowd. Also, since this is a bilingual show , many crowd chants are in Spanish and I don't know what they are talking about. But the crowd is awesome, are always excited as heck, and they don't chant "We want Lana" in Rusev's most important match or scream "WHAT?" every time a heel dares speak. Oh and Lucha Underground should really invest in worse tables. Many a times the held up when they should break.

Now let's take a look at the card.

The Mack vs The Machine (aka Cage) Falls Count Anywhere

Eh. Clearly a warm-up match. These guys were sorta fighting last episode and they got out of hand so they got a match. They are among the biggest wrestlers in the company so yeah whatever. Who is gonna win? Don't know, don't care.

Johnny Mundo vs Alberto el Patron

Those guys were friends and a formidable  team till Mundo thew Alberto through a window. They broke up and Alberto was set for revenge. The match has a lot of heat on in, especially when you consider that Mundo and el Patron are the face and the heel of the same coin. Two incredibly talented technical wrestlers fighting for legacy. Who will win? Well I am on Mundo's side but I expect Alberto to win. There is nothing on the line on this match and in big events like this the face wins.

7 People Match with Bengala , King Cuerno, Sexy Star, Big Ryck,Jack Evans, Fenix and Aerostar for the Gift of the Gods

Woo boy.  I am on Sexy Star's side even thought I know her chances are slim. But who will win?Good question. Do they want to give it to a heel or a face? Big Ryck is the only one who got in without a fight and he is Cueto's man in the match. Chances are good. On the other hand Fenix won two matches for his entrance, one of which was a Battle Royal last week, after Cueto took his medallion for being out of fights because Mill Muertes rekt him. I do have the feeling he will get it. You will see why in a later prediction.

Texano vs Blue Demon jr

Members of two long feuding families, Texano and Blue Demon both consider themselves Mexico's main guy. Blue Demon however has been teased over and over on how he has been overtaken by Texano , mainly because he was out for a while. So he snapped and , with the help of Chavo's familia he attacked Texano behind his back. Who will win? That is a close one. I think Blue Demon, because he needs some heat now.

Son of Havoc, Ivelisse and Angélico (ch) vs the Disciples of Death for the Trios Championship

That match was scheduled last second cause they realized that the champs had none to fight. But the Disciples of Death? These are the zombies Mill Muertes controls and they don't even have names. Who will win? I mean, come on. The Disciples of Death? Can they even hold the belts? Are we sure they are the same guys every time? Yeah the champs win.

Drago vs Hernadez in a Believer's Backlash Match

Drago was the no.1 contender for the main belt but Katrina almost killed Cueto to get Mill Muertez a fight with him. But before the match Hernadez came and almost killed Drago with a leather belt around the neck. Drago fought the match but got rekt. So now the temple's believers are given leather straps and have the green light to hurt anyone out of the ring. But watch out, Hernadez might fight back. Who will win? Drago . Or no contest with Hernadez becoming a nice red stain by the ring. I would be happier with the latter result.

Vampiro vs Pentagon jr in a Cero Miedo match (Anything Goes)

Vampiro is an ex wrestler who is now on the commentary table along with Matt Striker. On the other hand Pentagon is a luchador who fights for a dark master that need a sacrifice to return. And that sacrifice is Vampiro. Vampiro was reluctant at first, which was a great contrast with Pentagon's gimmick of Zero Fear. But after Pentagon almost light him on fire, Vampiro decided to come out retirement for one final match. Who will win? I don't think they would bring Vampiro back for him to lose to a midcarder.

Prince Puma (ch) vs Mill Muertes for the Lucha Underground Championship

The big one boys. Prince Puma has gone thought a lot the last couple of weeks. He was almost destroyed by Chavo Guerrero and his familia in an unsanctioned match for the belt, hurt and beat by Mill Muertes and had his mentor kidnapped by the Disciples right in front of his eyes. Yet he is still willing to bring it against Mill Muertes, the man of 1000 deaths. Mill Muertes is a beast. He took out Fenix for a long time, destroyed Drago, rekt Son of Havoc and is pretty much the scariest wrestler in the roster. He is also riding a ton of heat to this match. So who will win? Mill Muertez. He already beat Puma once and he is ready enough to do it again. That is why I also feel that Fenix will take the Gift. They have history together and you have the classic face vs heel dynamic with Fenix needing just one moment of weakness. So get ready, cause in two weeks The Reign of Death begins.


CLEAR SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT!

Post 1st show update: Mack vs Cage kicked off the first day like a mofo. They were awesome and the crowd was ecstatic. Chairs,stop signs,tables.At a point Mack opened two beers ,drank a bit and did a stunner on Cage, clear Steve Austin reference. Cage took it after driving Mack's head through a cinder-block . They did an amazing job and the people are fucking standing.Which of course means that we have to be upset next. The trios championship changes hands. Team Havoc gave their best, but it was 4v2.5 for them, Ivelisse was hurt in the leg, something that D.o.D. tried to use. Ivelisse did not tap out which gave her partners the chance to destroy the Disciples(now we new masks btw). Katrina however got Ivelisse with the magic stone that controls the Disciples and they pinned her for the win.The night ends on a high note though.It's Believer's Backlash! Unsurprisingly the believers didn't touch Drago. Hernadez on the other side got destroyed. Believer were on him from minute 1. He had to deal with them, a super talented luchador, Drago's mist,tables, everything. At a point he had to go under the ring to escape the believers. That gave Drago time to get some nun-chucks which he used. 2 minutes later Drago flew from the corner for the win.

Post 2nd Show update: The night starts of with Mundo vs El Patron. Mundo uses anything he can to bring Alberto on his level, including dust under the ring. The match goes for a while and is a great match. Alberto does an armbar, Mundo escapes , Mundo his his finisher , Alberto kicks out. Then Alberto goes for his finisher but Mundo pulls the ref and the ref gets kicked. In a second Alberto goes for another armbar to which Mundo taps but the ref is out. Mundo escapes but Aberto catches him again and does an armbar while hanging from the ropes. Then Melina (from MNM in WWE) debuts in Lucha Underground and hits Alberto across the head with his AAA Mega champion belt, Mundo hits his finisher and he gets the pin from a groggy ref. Great match to start the night once again and the crowd is on fire. El Patron then gets up , throws Mundo  on some chairs and through a window and spanks an attacking Melina. This might be a double turn. Next is the Cero Miedo match, which actually made me kinda thankful for the PG era of WWE. Hey kids do you want to see a 50 year old retired man brutalized by a man in his prime? Well good. Vampiro walks in dressed like a zombie Pope...And then Pentagon almost kills him and they get a stretcher. Vampiro gets up and throws a bunch of thumbtacks and both wrestlers throw each other on them... Then Pentagon hits Vampiro with a mercury light bulb  and drinks some of Vampiro's blood... After Vampiro gets the momentum on his side he brings up a table and lights it on fire but he gets thrown through it and gets pinned. After the match he asks for his arm to be broken , to which Pentagon complies. And then Vampiro reveals that he is Pentagon's master. So yeah. The Gift of the Gods is up next. To avoid writing for the next 20 days Big Ryck starts throwing people around, everyone attacks him, people put an awesome show, The Moth interferes to attack Sexy Star but gets rekt, Daivari interferes to chair Big Ryck, Evans and Fenix have an awesome showing for 2 mins which results with Fenix pinning Evans for the Gift and Darthleon lets a sigh of relief because finally one of his predictions came true. Blue Demon Vs Texano follows, which is the softest match in the event as it is 5 minutes long. Texano dominates the match until Chavo's team ,who has been following Demon for a while, attack Texano. Chavo also comes  in with a chair, but instead of attacking Demon with which he had a feud for a while, he attacks Texano and gives the chair to Demon. Demon attacks Texano some more and gets the pin. Easily the weakest match in the whole event.And last but most certainly not least, The Lucha Underground Championship match. A wonderful match spanning almost 30 minutes. It was amazeballs that is all I can say. At a point Puma almost hits Katrina but apologizes and then uses Katrina as a weapon against Muertes. After a long fight Puma hits his finisher and Muertes kicks out, and Muertes hits his finisher and Puma kicks out, things that happened for the first time. Muertes spears Puma through a table but Puma tries to hit his finisher one more time. Muertes however is fast enough and hits his from the top rope for the win. The Age of Death has begun. After the credits we she a small sample of what is coming to our luchadors , with the main theme of them , including Cueto, escaping the temple.

How to fix Sonic 06

 Kids,come along,sit by the fire and hear a story. There once was a strange hero called Sonic. He was a mutated blue hedgehog that was really cool, had an attitude and was the fastest thing alive ( he was the fastest thing alive,he was the fastest thing alive). He had many games and a couple cartoons. Some of them were good,some of them bad,but none of them was undeniably bad(except for Sonic R that shit was shit). But then the alien tribe known solely as SEGA changed that for once and for all.

 Sonic 06 started promising and was going to showcase the 7th gen of consoles. But what started like a promising demo reel ended up as a prophecy of Ubisoft. Graphics were going lower and lower, the artistic style was  all over the place and a very strange feeling that things were taking a direction we were not ready for. And Sega wasn't ready for it either. In a frantic effort to make the 15th anniversary of Sonic the game came out too early. The result was SHIT. Gameplay was all over the place and buggy as hell, animation was shit and inconsistent, and the story. GOD the story. So you know how when you put it down on paper Sonic is very much like Dragon Ball. You know the seven thingies, Knuckles is Picollo, Shadow is Vegetta etc. Well 06 is the Android/Cell saga, but, you know,shit. So we have a story with a ton of plot holes thanks to our favorite Random Hole Generator, time travel, as well as the fact that the story is shit by itself. But you can see the good ideas in the game. You can see what they tried to give us , but the game needed more time in the oven. Like 2-3 years of time. And some writers that weren't 7 years old and high on all the drugs.

 The story would be the quickest to solve as the ideas here are not completelly bad. The biggest fix is take out 80% of the time travelling . You can't trust this plot point. If BBC is fucking it up for 52 years, I can't trust Sega in their first go ( surprisingly their second go was much better). Now only Silver can time travel, and only to his timeline and Sonic's present. Yeah , he is Trunks. I know. But it is just gonna be better at this point if we keep it to explored territory.  The story starts the same. Mephilis tricks Silver and Blaze that Sonic fucked their timeline, so they goes back in time to stop him from  doing it with his Chaos Emeralds. At this point you explain that time travel is not too exact in locations and time. Why? Convenience for later. So while he is traveling , the Festival is happening,Elise is kidnapped,Sonic(with Tails and Knuckles) is going after her.  That is Sonic's main plot. Trying to save Elise. We are seeing his story from both his perspective and Elise's. As Eggman is trying to learn more about the Flames of Disaster he conducts test on Elise. Those tests put great pressure on the princess , who accidentally uses the powers of Iblis that is inside her. Sonic does not immediately save Elise this time around. He only saves her once, at a point where Eggman is paying attention to something else. That something else? Shadow. Like in the 06 he(along with Rouge) is trying to steal the Staff of Darkness from Eggman. And after getting a couple of clues he makes it. So we have a stand off. Shadow has the Staff, Eggman has Elise and wants the Staff, and Sonic wants Elise. In his effort to get the Staff he breaks it and freaks out,leaving Elise behind as he escapes. Mephilis is out, so Sonic takes Elise while Shadow stays to fight. He "wins" and Mephilis escapes, so Shadow goes to get info about Mephilis and all that. Eggman is hunting Sonic and Elise to get her back. In this time these two get the time to connect and she learns to use her power more. But in comes Silver, not in the town this time  but in the Jungle. He tries to wreck Sonic's ass but he is taken down by him and Elise, while Blaze is looking as she doesn't want to kill anyone. After some hunting Silver catches Sonic again in the Trainyard, but this time Shadow is in his way. We have the best scene in the game and Shadow tells Silver what happened in the past, with Iblis being locked in Elise and Mephilis being evil. Ohh and this time it was Elise's dad that made it all by himself. No time traveling Hedgehogs. You may notice that the new story is pretty much the same. Well now we get to the big differences.

 Silver goes to his timeline. Having learned what up as well as seeing some of Shadow's tricks he defeats Mephilis. He also traps Iblis inside Blaze this time, like in 06,but doesn't die. Sonic reaches Soleanna with Elise but as they are saying their goodbye BAM! Mephilis appears. And  he kills Sonic. Not in a cutscene. A fight is going on in game and it is impossible to win.  Sonic Dies. There is blood on his face, my God there is blood everywhere. Roll credits. Shadow's story: he reaches the fight but he is too late,Sonic is dead,roll credits. Silver's story: after imprisoning Iblis he tries to go back but time travel is finicky, he gets in too late, Sonic is dead, roll credits. "Good job, player. Now that you finished all the stories here is the final episode". Now you open with Sonic fighting Mephilis and losing . Shadow can't help, Silver can't help, the Sonic Friends can't help. As he is going down Elise is the first to reach him. He says something to her and leaves his "last breath". This is the final hit that breaks Elise(also NO KISS!!!11!). Iblis is free and Mephilis gets this timeline's Chaos Emeralds and Iblis so they can fuse. But Silver has his Emeralds. So he , the Sonic Friends (Tails, Knuckles.Blaze and  Rouge), Shadow AND Eggman take one each and give some life force to Sonic . Lo and behold, Sonic is not only alive but Super Sonic. He shares some power with the other two hedgehogs and together they wreck Mephilis this time. But he escapes again with everything he has. One stage later where all the hedgehogs are playable, Iblis and Mephilis fuse and we have the ultimate boss fight. And the good guys win. Iblis and Mephilis are separated, with Iblis returning to Elise while Mephilis disintegrates. So everyone goes back to their lifes and Elise is the best queen this world has ever seen. Much better, huh?

 Gameplay wise the changes are generally small. You make each hedgehog different gameplay wise, each to his own personal skills. Sonic has speed, Silver his telekinesis and Shadow gets Chaos Control.   Silver's gameplay was actually kinda good so we mostly polish things up. More Telekinesis puzzles , less telekinesis combat and less ball rolling. Sonic has almost zero combat and the gameplay is very much like Sonic Colors, minus the alien thingies. Shadow undergoes the most changes. He is more combat oriented and has Chaos Control.  This allows some minor time manipulation that allows a fight or flight style. He gets many opponents but he is not locked down in small arenas like God of War or Sonic boom . Killing enemies recharges Chaos Control faster, but considering the Sonic Way of keeping HP (i.e. the rings system) harder enemies are better left alone as you can only take 2-3 hits. And NO vehicles. Especially hovercrafts. Shadow is faster than Sonic, he can run on water and soil better than any vehicle. In the 2 boss fights and 1 stage where all Hedgehogs are playable, the player can change between them and is going to be forced to. In the stage some parts should be only able with one specific Hedgehog, while other parts require a combo. The bosses have attacks that "stop" one or two hedgehogs so the others need to come in and save the other. Furthermore , the bosses defend themselves in ways that combos are required. For examble Sonic and Shadow use their speed and time manipulation to allow Silver to throw something big. Or while Silver keeps the boss still from afar Shadow roundhouse kicks him. The boss, not Silver. That would be funny, but counterproductive.

 Yeah ,I know I just wrote a Sonic  fanfiction that shows how cool my fav characters can be in my head space. But my fanfiction is superior because, uuum, it involves a game and I am a person that tries to be a game developer and/or critic. And it doesn't involve hedgehog penises inserting some kind of orifice. So I think that is a big plus. And so is this:

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